ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
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Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend