Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The USS B port
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
This is amazing.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.