Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.