[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
What number SPF blocks people?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste