[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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my nickname in college
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.