[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*aggressively waits in line*
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak