[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.