Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.