Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.