when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER