Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*cough*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.