Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now