Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.