@TheSwanDon: Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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@sammyrhodes: Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
@itswrigley: I never did think of myself as beautiful, terribly attractive, yes, but not beautiful.
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today.
@narcoticpanda: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"