Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good