@markleggett: Companies want "rockstar" employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.
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@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
@korryduke: Do you smell smoke? I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@JB4Realz: "Y'ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?" *SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*
@pleatedjeans: Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly [emerges from cocoon] AH WTF I'M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT