[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.