TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
As the Lord intended
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle