@iwearaonesie: complaining about your wife's stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
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@ohheyitszara: Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg bump into each other, say sorry awkwardly, then try to sidestep each other but keep stepping the same way.
@NicestHippo: Symptoms of mental illness: -Hearing voices -Hallucinating -Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts
@truegritrumble: DATE: I think nervous boys are cute. ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent! DATE: This date is over.
@markedly: Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES