I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks