@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
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@100DollarChill: *Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter* LYSOL: "Hey .1% germs... ( -_-)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) Tell your friends"
@ImHopel3ss: Somewhere, someplace, there's a hole in the world & inside it there's a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can't find.
@cray_at_home_ma: Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn't answer my phone for 5 years
@TheLieLamaa: The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour ...