I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Buck naked
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening