*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834