Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
This fish is cracking me up
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Hit me in the face with a bird
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.