Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.