Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I’m not proud