COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”