People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.