Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
@funTweeters
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.