@TheHyyyype: ME: i've been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches "doctor"* haha you're right, they look awesome
@imadepoopstoday: [job interview]
"We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position."
It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it.
"...yes."
@EndhooS: Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that's for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don't sting jellyfish
@alfageeek: Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
@tastefactory: INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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