COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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Dolls on drugs
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
😂😂😂
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast