@TheHyyyype: ME: i've been feeling sick lately FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor ME: *google image searches "doctor"* haha you're right, they look awesome

@imadepoopstoday: [job interview] "We feel that you just aren't quite mature enough for the position." It's the Velcro shoes, isn't it. "...yes."

@EndhooS: Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me! Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u Wife: that's for jellyfish Me: [unzipping pants] bees don't sting jellyfish

@alfageeek: Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

@tastefactory: INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]