Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
This dude got his own movie?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting