Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Marriage isn鈥檛 for everyone, especially for married people
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they鈥檙e probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Oh right, like you鈥檝e never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
It鈥檚 super offensive when they move on before you did.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer