@Donna_McCoy: Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!
@Reverend_Scott: [car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
@LoveNLunchmeat: Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. "For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan."
@hazelmotes1: My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.