Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You Might Also Like
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.