@AHMalcolm: Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: … Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?
@Darlainky: Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I'm quite aware it's a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
@shadesof666: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@JaymayAllDay: "No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks." - Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden