Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.