Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.