Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??