DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
You Might Also Like
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you