[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Still my favourite meme.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Real House Wines.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.