How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A friend helps you before you need it
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time