[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The answer is funnier than the question
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.