[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks