[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Quadruple digit IQ
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
dutch is not a serious language
Just this preview of the story is enough
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…