[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
#parenting
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*offers Batman cough drops*
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”