Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Can’t stop laughing