[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it