[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You Might Also Like
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone