@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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@Rollmaninoz: Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again
@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.
@iamrandomape: SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery [me 3 months later] I think he had a brewery
@alrightbob: "Don't move or she's dead" was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.