Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.