@UNTRESOR: Condoleeza Rice's less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: would you chop these onions for me ME: sure WIFE: I meant with a knife ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
@AbbyHasIssues: I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
@AndyAsAdjective: Judging by this sunburn, I'd say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.