Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
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‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
put ‘er there pardner!
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.