condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.