condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Easy enough.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess