*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”