@moose_chocolate: My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.

@tastefactory: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real

@dhumann: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@yaboydil: Guess who I ran into today, Billy. "Who, dad?" Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@just1fool: I don't know if I should go after that ghost or not. ~Drunk Pac-Man