@filmbizpro: Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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@OutOnTheMoors: How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?
@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
@NicestHippo: [job interview] You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer? [i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder] Yes
@Contwixt: If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.