Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You Might Also Like
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
A leaf blower, but for people.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.