We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
You Might Also Like
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.