@: Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
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@EndhooS: Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@MomOnFire: My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
@sophielou: If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.