@: Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
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@MichaelTrying: Darwin is a genius. Just realized I'm attracted to women in glasses because I'm more likely to reproduce with a woman who can't see me well.
@_ElvishPresley_: *finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes* *celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
@murrman5: [at funeral] "my phone is vibrating" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? "no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED